What Is Discernment Counseling and Why Is It Helpful?

What is discernment counseling?

Discernment counseling is a specialized form of couples therapy for "mixed-agenda couples"—those where one partner is leaning towards divorce and the other aims to work toward reconciliation. Unlike traditional marriage counseling or family therapy, discernment counseling focuses on providing clarity and confidence rather than directly resolving relationship issues.

In discernment therapy or counseling sessions, a discernment counselor helps couples explore their contributions to marital problems, their understanding of relationships, and possible solutions. The process addresses partners' differing perspectives.

The discernment counseling process typically lasts up to five sessions. It is considered successful if it helps couples decide between three paths: maintaining the status quo, pursuing divorce, or committing to traditional marriage counseling for reconciliation.

This approach to couples counseling offers a neutral space to reflect on marital problems, contributions to the issues, and the impact on future relationships, children, and overall well-being. Discernment counseling differs from other therapies because it focuses on informed decisions over immediate solutions.

How is discernment counseling helpful?

Discernment counseling helps couples gain clarity and confidence when facing marital problems or divorce ambivalence. It provides a structured framework for thoughtful decision-making, guiding partners through their options.

Clarity and understanding

Discernment counseling helps couples explore individual contributions to relationship issues, family dynamics, and early life experiences, fostering a deeper understanding of their challenges.

Personal growth

Discernment counselors help partners reflect on behavior patterns, marital dynamics, and their own contributions, promoting personal insight and growth.

Future preparation

Whether choosing reconciliation or separation, discernment counseling equips couples to navigate the next steps with mutual respect, especially when children or family dynamics are involved.

Discernment counseling techniques and exercises

Discernment counseling offers unique techniques and exercises. These interventions are designed not only to clarify the direction of the relationship but also to foster understanding and growth, whether the outcome is reconciliation or separation.

Reflective listening

This exercise aims to improve communication by having partners repeat what they heard, ensuring they understand each other's perspectives without immediately reacting or interjecting their views.

Role reversal

By temporarily adopting the other's role, partners may gain empathy and insight into each other's emotional world, fostering a deeper understanding of the challenges each faces.

Individual sessions

Allocating time for one-on-one sessions or individual conversations with the counselor allows each partner to reflect and express concerns freely, promoting honest dialogue and self-awareness.

The miracle question

This technique asks partners to imagine a world where their conflicts are resolved, encouraging them to identify steps towards that ideal scenario.

Conflict de-escalation

Teaching couples to identify and intervene in escalating arguments prevents harmful interactions that can further damage the relationship.

Historical examination

Couples explore the history of their relationship to understand how past events influence current conflicts, facilitating a more objective view of their issues.

Emotion-focused techniques

These exercises help partners understand and express their emotions better, leading to a deeper emotional connection and empathy.

Desire exploration

Partners discuss their desires and expectations for the relationship, which can uncover hidden issues and align expectations.

Intimacy building

Exercises designed to rebuild emotional and physical intimacy can reignite the connection between partners.

Coping strategy development

Couples learn techniques to manage stress and emotional pain, which can improve individual well-being and the relationship's overall health.

Boundary setting

Counselors help couples to establish healthy boundaries, respecting individual autonomy while maintaining a connection.

Communication skills training

Partners learn to communicate effectively, replacing harmful patterns with constructive ways of expressing needs and grievances.

Forgiveness exercises

These can facilitate the release of resentment and the healing of past wounds, which is crucial for moving forward.

Reality testing

Challenging assumptions and perceptions to test their validity can help partners see each other and their problems in a new light.

Future projection

Couples are guided to envision and discuss future scenarios, including staying together or separating, to evaluate potential outcomes.

Exit negotiation strategies

For couples leaning towards separation, strategies for a respectful and amicable split are discussed, considering the welfare of both partners.

Utilizing these discernment counseling techniques can offer couples the insights and skills they need to consider their relationship's future. Whether the outcome is to part ways or recommit to the relationship, these exercises ensure that the choice is approached with care, respect, and an understanding of the underlying dynamics at play.

When to use discernment counseling techniques and exercises

Discernment counseling is ideal for couples on the brink of divorce or grappling with marital problems. It helps couples navigate critical relationship issues and determine their next steps with clarity and confidence.

For mixed-agenda couples

Discernment counseling helps when one partner (leaning out) is considering divorce while the other (leaning in) wants to fix things. This approach ensures both perspectives are heard and respected.

When traditional marriage counseling stalls

If marital or couples therapy hasn’t resolved key issues, discernment counseling offers a focused process to decide whether to pursue traditional marriage counseling, continue the status quo, or begin the divorce process.

Amidst divorce ambivalence

Discernment counseling sessions are designed for couples unsure about their final decision. They provide a structured environment to discuss relationship issues, contributors to the problems, and possible solutions.

Pre-divorce deliberation

Before consulting divorce lawyers, couples can use discernment counseling as a form of marital and family therapy to reflect on individual contributions and explore options for future relationships, especially when children are involved.

When mental health professionals recommend it

Family therapists or discernment counselors may suggest this process for couples needing a deeper understanding of their marriage dynamics, particularly in cases involving family or domestic violence concerns.

Discernment counseling services offer tailored techniques and exercises to help couples facing a difficult decision about their relationship’s future.

Discernment counseling questions

Discernment counseling is designed to help couples gain clarity about the future of their relationship. The questions asked during sessions aim to unpack feelings, insights, and perspectives often unexplored in married life. Here's a list of 20 discernment counseling questions that can help guide couples through their decision-making process:

• What events or concerns have brought you to consider counseling?
• Can you trace the history of your relationship to understand how it has evolved to its current state?
• What are the specific issues that make you question the viability of your marriage?
• What have you appreciated about your partner throughout your relationship, despite difficulties?
• How do you feel your communication has contributed to your relationship's challenges?
• In what ways have you felt fulfilled or unfulfilled in this marriage?
• How do you each view your roles in the conflicts you experience?
• What has been the impact of your marriage's difficulties on your wider family life, including children, if any?
• What do you hope to achieve through discernment counseling, and what are your expectations of your partner in this process?
• Are there any past attempts at resolving issues that you feel were incomplete or unsuccessful, and why?
• What personal changes are you each willing to make, irrespective of your decision about the marriage?
• How might your shared history influence your decision to work on or end the relationship?
• Do you believe some aspects of your relationship are still strong and worth preserving?
• Are there unresolved personal issues or past traumas affecting your perspective on the marriage?
• How do you envision your life post-counseling, whether you stay together or separate?
• What fears do you have about the possibility of staying in this marriage and ending it?
• How do you think you've both grown or changed since the beginning of your relationship?
• What are the non-negotiable elements that you believe a relationship must have for you to feel content and secure?
• How do you manage conflict, and what would you like to change about this process?
• Lastly, how will you decide if the marriage can be renewed or if it's healthier for both parties to part ways?

These discernment counseling questions are meant to prompt deep reflection and honest conversation, helping couples explore the intricacies of their relationship and guide them toward a decision that aligns with their deepest values and needs.