Cognitive Dissonance in Relationships | Carepatron

What is the cognitive dissonance theory?

Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort or psychological stress experienced when a person simultaneously holds two conflicting beliefs, attitudes, or behaviors. This internal conflict creates a state of cognitive inconsistency or dissonance, which the mind naturally attempts to resolve.

The Cognitive Dissonance Theory is a well-defined concept in social psychology. Introduced by the psychologist Leon Festinger (1957), this suggests that human beings strive for cognitive consistency. When faced with contradictory information or experiences with their beliefs, they experience dissonance, an uncomfortable state that motivates them to reduce or eliminate the inconsistency.

Examples of cognitive dissonance in romantic relationships

Cognitive dissonance is common in a romantic relationship, where partners may hold conflicting beliefs, values, or expectations. Here are some examples of situations where cognitive dissonance can occur:

1. Conflicting religious or cultural beliefs

Partners from different religious or cultural backgrounds may experience cognitive dissonance due to conflicting beliefs and values. For instance, one partner may believe in traditional gender roles, while the other values egalitarian relationships. These differences may impact couples with different beliefs more than those with the same religious background.

2. Differing life goals or priorities

Couples may experience dissonance when they have different life goals or priorities. One partner may prioritize their career, while the other values starting a family or pursuing personal interests.

3. Unrealistic expectations

Individuals may enter relationships with unrealistic expectations of their partner or the relationship itself. Cognitive dissonance can arise when these expectations are unmet, leading to disappointment or resentment.

4. Personality differences

Personality traits and personal values can also create cognitive dissonance in relationships. For example, if one partner values spontaneity and adventure while the other prefers routine and stability, this can lead to conflicting desires and behaviors.

5. Past experiences and baggage

Individuals may carry baggage from past relationships or experiences, which can influence their beliefs and expectations in their current relationships. When a person's past behavior or attitudes do not align with what the other partner values in the present, this can create cognitive dissonance.

Ways cognitive dissonance affects beliefs

Cognitive dissonance, that mental discomfort caused by holding two conflicting beliefs, can significantly impact our views and behaviors within relationships. Here's a closer look at how dissonance plays out:

Rationalization and justification

Uncomfortable dissonance often makes people rationalize and justify reducing the discomfort caused by the inconsistency (Elliot & Devine, 1994). People who have experienced cognitive dissonance may selectively focus on information that supports their existing beliefs or downplay the importance of conflicting information, a phenomenon known as confirmation bias.

Attitude change

In some cases, cognitive dissonance can lead to a change in attitudes or beliefs. Suppose the dissonance is significant, and the individual cannot rationalize or justify their conflicting beliefs. In that case, they may adjust their attitudes to align with their behavior or the new information they have encountered.

Behavior change

Alternatively, individuals may change their behavior to reduce the cognitive dissonance they are experiencing. For example, if someone's behavior contradicts their beliefs or values, they may modify their actions to align with their beliefs, reducing the internal conflict.

Selective exposure and avoidance

People experiencing cognitive dissonance may selectively expose themselves to information supporting their beliefs and avoid information that challenges or contradicts them. This selective exposure can reinforce their attitudes and beliefs, further entrenching the dissonance.

Emotional reactions

Cognitive dissonance can elicit various emotional reactions, such as feeling uncomfortable, anxious, or defensive. These emotional responses can further influence an individual's beliefs, attitudes, and behavior as they attempt to reduce the psychological discomfort caused by the dissonance.

Does cognitive dissonance indicate abusive relationships?

Cognitive dissonance can be a potential indicator of an abusive relationship, but it is not always the case. However, it is essential to recognize the role cognitive dissonance plays in abusive dynamics and how it can enable and perpetuate abuse.

Abuser's behavior and cognitive dissonance

In abusive relationships, cognitive dissonance often occurs when the abused partner's experiences and the abuser's behavior contradict their belief that their partner loves them or that the relationship is healthy. This internal conflict can create cognitive dissonance, leading to psychological stress and mental discomfort.

The abuser's behavior may be considered intimate partner violence. This may then involve physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, directly conflicts with the abused partner's desire for a loving and respectful relationship. This dissonance can be challenging to reconcile, as the abused partner may try to let their partner's behavior slide or justify the abuser's behavior to reduce the internal conflict.

Unrealistic expectations and dissonance

Unrealistic expectations about the relationship or the partner can also contribute to cognitive dissonance in abusive situations. The abused person involved may hold onto the belief that their partner will change or that the relationship will improve despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. This dissonance can make it difficult for the abused partner to recognize the need to leave the relationship or seek help. This pattern can then further contribute to enabling abuse in the relationship.

Dissonance in healthy relationships

Contrary to common belief, dissonance can contribute positively to relationships. For instance, happy marriages tend to involve a dynamic where partners can navigate their opposing beliefs and drop unrealistic expectations, keeping the relationship alive and healthy. This adjustment process helps keep marriages healthy by recognizing and addressing when one's partner's behavior slides.

Dissonance helps marriages and relationships become aware that the relationship is straying from what one deems healthy or acceptable, pressing the need to reevaluate and address issues. Dissonance can make a relationship work by catalyzing personal growth and improvement.

Signs of cognitive dissonance in relationships

Cognitive dissonance can manifest in various ways within relationships, and recognizing these signs can help individuals address the underlying issues proactively. Here are some common signs of cognitive dissonance in relationships:

• Constant justifications: Does one partner find themselves constantly making excuses or explaining away the other partner's negative behaviors? This might indicate they're experiencing dissonance between their initial beliefs about their partner and their recent actions.
• Ignoring red flags: Is someone overlooking clear warning signs, like controlling behavior or emotional outbursts? Dissonance can lead people to downplay or ignore red flags to maintain a sense of cognitive consistency (having beliefs and behaviors align).
• Emotional distress: Dissonance can cause a variety of negative emotions, including anxiety, depression, and confusion. If someone in a relationship seems unusually stressed or withdrawn, it could be a sign of unresolved dissonance.
• Communication difficulties: Dissonance can make open and honest communication challenging. Partners might avoid discussing sensitive topics or constantly argue about the same issues.
• Difficulty making decisions: The internal conflict caused by dissonance can make it challenging to make clear decisions about the relationship. Someone might stay in an unhealthy situation to avoid the discomfort of dissonance, even if it goes against their better judgment.

What to do when cognitive dissonance occurs

Cognitive dissonance, that feeling of mental discomfort caused by conflicting beliefs, can be a significant hurdle in relationships. However, it doesn't have to be a dead end. Here are five tips to help individuals navigate dissonance and work towards a healthier relationship:

1. Acknowledge the discomfort

The first step is to let them acknowledge the dissonance itself. Often, the initial discomfort is a signal that something needs attention. Encourage individuals to identify the specific beliefs or behaviors causing the clash. Are there unrealistic expectations about the relationship? Is a partner exhibiting concerning personality traits? Naming the source of the dissonance is crucial for addressing it effectively.

2. Re-evaluate beliefs and expectations

Dissonance can prompt a re-evaluation of initial beliefs and expectations. Are they based on reality or influenced by external factors like social pressure or idealized notions of love? Encourage clients to consider if their expectations are fair and healthy for themselves and their partners. Sometimes, adjusting expectations can help reduce dissonance and create a more balanced dynamic.

3. Open and honest communication

Honest communication is essential for navigating dissonance in a relationship. Encourage couples to discuss their feelings openly and directly, focusing on specific behaviors and avoiding accusatory language. Active listening and a willingness to see things from the other person's perspective are essential to productive communication that can help resolve dissonance.

4. Seek external support

Sometimes, the discomfort caused by dissonance can be overwhelming to tackle alone. Consider encouraging couples to seek professional help from a specialist therapist or counselor. A therapist can provide a safe space for couples to explore their feelings, identify unhealthy patterns, and develop practical communication skills to address the dissonance.

5. Foster personal growth and self-awareness

Cognitive dissonance can stem from deeply ingrained beliefs, values, or past experiences. Encourage personal growth and self-awareness in the couple that they can practice daily. This can allow them to challenge long-held assumptions, drop unrealistic expectations, navigate too much dissonance, and be open to personal growth and change.

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Reference

Elliot, A. J., & Devine, P. G. (1994). On the motivational nature of cognitive dissonance: Dissonance as psychological discomfort. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67(3), 382–394. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.67.3.382

Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.